Re: Challenge 4 - Like Flying

I went through my dream of flying only to you.

We'd be on our backs looking up at the white blue sky. I said, "Just imagine the freedom you feel. Swooshing across nothing." My hand made a silent arc from left to right. You said looking at the sky only made you think of planes and airstrikes and blood. When I first saw you you had that derogatory No WAR!! sticker on your laptop. You sat next to me in class and I could smell weed sweating off you it was a wonder why you weren't stopped. You saw me looking - staring - and you snapped, "What the fuck?"

When they weighed me, I really didn't think of anything. A group of boisterous Chinese laughed and hollered merrily, high from their very own courageous act. I was trying to find my inner calm, so I fingerspelled words - any words - that came to mind, a habit of mine so random that I didn't even think of mentioning it to anyone. I didn't think you knew either.

The guys went ahead to strap my ankles. The foam made my legs feel stuffy, and they looked like sausages. I've never been anything but honest to myself and you in our relationship. It was far from perfect. I knew you had flaws, so did I. You were rude, and you were a racist. A classic bigot I would love to hate. I had unstable moodswings. But when we had those simple moments together just talking on the playground slide I truly felt that we could make it work.

I hopped into the crane. The guy manning it was stocky and darkly tanned. "Are you scared?" he asked me with a very thick slang of something I couldn't quite recognize. I nodded. He nodded back at me. "Fear is good." Your hands on mine on the gear. "Fear is good. That's the whole point of doing this. Knowing where that fear stands, and knowing you actually beat those motherfuckers afterwards." And then looking goofy you gave me a kiss in that cramped flying simulator space, our pilot goggles going steamy.

When we arrived to the top the crane groaned. The whole place looked tiny. I could hear you saying, "There's nothing more beautiful than seeing the whole world from above. I now know why God is always up there. Doesn't make sense to be looking up on people's asses does it?"

The guy looked at me, "Are you ready?" I was thinking, I miss you.
"One, two, " he counted, "JUMP."

I did.

The feeling, was like nothing else. My heart went straight to my collarbone like a hard punch, the spot on the collarbone where you always liked to drop a kiss. And after a while I felt myself being tugged back up, and that hammering on my chest disappeared - the right word would be dissolved actually - like a shadow afraid of the sun. The whole world spun and danced around me and when I opened my eyes your laughter was all I could hear.

You told me the best part was before the landing. Regardless whether you win or lose, there would always be that feeling of glory before the descent. "Fear is the whole point," you said, "because in the end you've conquered it."

20 feet above the water, upside down and shivering, I was trying to gauge whether this feeling of madness euphoria mixed with unbearable sadness was at par to your glory. Your thirst for winning had made me the biggest loser - you left me mourning for your presence every single moment. I had sleepwalked my life from that day you jumped; but you once made me promise that I would go through my dream of flying one day. I understand now what you meant. Those stories you told me.

Note: Diz, I am unable to not use past tense for the word dissolve... so that's 5/6!!